why i'm concerned about where i appear to stand in relation to other people re don rags:
(rather than being like what t said, where the only thing you should be concerned about is yourself and your own performance)
(1) i'm not sure i trust the tutors' comments at face value especially when they say stuff like: the class would be different without you, your impact is felt, etc - because it's true yet it can apply to anyone and it's a very obvious truth that shouldn't need to be said
(2) so in order to see for myself how i am doing (because words are just words and they give you some hint but they don't give you personal understanding) i need a basis of comparison that aren't just words like "excellent" and etc because words are just wordsssss they don't mean anything really i don't trust words i doooon't
(3) i can kind of assess how other people are doing by observing their performance in class, so if i know how tutors think of my in relation to other people, i kind of know where i stand. personal awareness of where i stand and what i can improve towards. maybe. i mean, i would like to know that i'm not all that great so that i can strive onward work harder etc etc and i don't feel very good actually knowing that my teachers think highly of my abilities (for a freshman of course) and i like some comments they made, they felt true, but i felt so much want not to offend that it was.. odd. i don't know.

i want to ask mr b about whether the report was good/ bad/ etc like everyone has had good reports so far it seems, that really devalues getting a good report because not everyone's good in class. not everyone's at a certain standard. you can't say that everyone's uniformly good??? so i don't trust my tutors but before i decide to do so (hey i'm really in an unpleasant mood, aren't i, i usually like my tutors very very much) i should talk to them. what i'm thinking now is probably untrue. there is probably some untruth in what i'm thinking now.


i'm in this mood because:
(1) i didn't talk to a person i really wanted to communicate with he probably didn't notice/ care! that actually makes me feel tons better, i don't know why
(2) likewise for another person i have all the time in the world
(3) someone's really self-absorbed (this might also apply to me, now, in this state of mind) and i guess it hurts me. whatever


GOOD THINGS:
(1) started my greek paper and it's coming along kind of
(2) danced with t in the quad yesterday, danced and talked at the same time and that was so happy
(3) read phaedo and howl's moving castle last night till like, 4am
(4) praise is always good i guess. things they said that i care about:
- math: i show genuine interest in euclid, which is pretty rare
- lab: i am logically precise, and i bring the discussion to places (sum up arguments and extend them and come up with important questions and etc), and i am READING ARISTOTLE OKAY she said that now i'm an "excellent reader". she used the word excellent! and i think on some level she meant it, like for a freshman i'm reading excellently but still excellence is key. that made me happy.
- seminar: i make all the types of comments that can be made (broad/ specific, questions/ answers, personal/ impartial) and i don't have trouble with any. i didn't realize i did that, it's always just when i have something to say i say it. this is nice to know (he says that there's no advice he can offer me??? and in a way maybe he means it, i just have to continue and grow from the seminar process
(5) talked to ms rhodes about platoooo it was like seminar but smaller (!!!) and i can keep up. i think i've changed in terms of the way i think (slightly maybe???)
(6) i have anna karenina beside me! i am talking to shu! life is no cabaret!

don rags tomorrow!! (later today) maybe only philip will get what i'm talking about. i am so excited/ nervous (really the only thing i'm nervous about is oversleeping. otherwise i don't think it can go that badly because i know how i've been doing. and if there's anything i haven't spotted, areas of improvement etc, then that's just good advice.. and if they happen to slam me non-constructively (how odd that i can't even conceive of my tutors doing that) i can always ask them for advice at the end. i'm glad too that they get to warm up before i come in! my tutors will be used to communicating (i am almost the last of my core group to go), joy and hurrah.)

also i am done with phaedo and it's amazing how he entered into poetry the last month/s of his life. i think, from this, it's pretty obvious that socrates isn't against all poetry, and he definitely isn't against poetry as a skill to charm. he just cares about poetry being used in the right way. and it's amazing how, besides saying this, he also shows it; the initial part of phaedo was all story (he openly says), then plato gets simmias and cebes to construct arguments. socrates answers the first with a story and the second with an argument. this in itself has significance - simmias's argument is very fundamental and it almost has to be accepted as a foundational stone? how do we know that the soul isn't just a composite of the body, that it doesn't end when the body ends? and socrates persuades simmias by the beauty of the learning by recollection argument. whereas the argument by cebes is different - cebes accepts that the soul exists, and that it has-been before birth and will-be after death, he just doesn't accept that it's imperishable. or he wants proof that it's imperishable. and socrates argues, and here, for perhaps the first time i've seen, he argues truly. this is what he believes in (this is also the last argument he makes before his death). socrates' response to cebes is so different from his response to simmias (to cebes, he openly states too that this is an argument) because he's/ plato's trying to show that there are some things that we need to accept by means of myth perhaps, because we cannot reach proof by arguments, and if we do accept the myth (like cebes) and wonder about its particulars instead, questioning via argument can be done. argument can help us find what is coherent and what is not (he brings this up again in the opposite forms cannot exist simultaneously in the same body argument) but it cannot serve as the basis. there are limits to argument.

and he ends off, after this argument, by bringing up a last recounting of what the afterlife is like. he constructs a beautiful story. and he says openly at the end that he doesn't believe it to be completely accurate, it is not truth nor knowledge but the semblance of truth is within it? the semblance of truth is within a story. i love this portrayal of socrates, of everyone in phaedo, the people are so much more fleshed out and well, this is his death, the scenes shown are so much more human. socrates is such a beautiful human being. this vies with the republic for being my favourite seminar reading here so far, i'm not entirely sure why it's so because i'm not certain of what i think of phaedo yet! and i may be forgetting the republic! but i think that the arguments will stay in me, even if my memory loses the content i know the form and similar things will allow me to recollect and i am really happy in a non-surface way.

awesome memories:

we just had a fantastic lab class (goethe on flowers! we reached the tentative conclusion that the growth of a plant is aimed towards reproduction (rather than growth for the sake of growth) because for the flower/pollen/seed to be formed, sap has to be most refined. so looking at the purpose of growth of each part (nodes coincide with the formation of leaves, and nodes help to refine sap) (the calyx further refines sap) we get that the plant is growing its parts so as to optimize/ or just refine sap to the extent that flowers/pollen/fruit forms. there is no predestined amount of growth, and any part can become any part; what determines the formation of each part of the plant is the refined-ness of the sap. and we wondered about buds (since they hold the entire form of the plant in themselves, ... would buds exist separately from the tree without human intervention (planting/ removal?) and what is their purpose, are they just new growth of the same plant and how is that different from a seed?) i am so glad that i did my reading carefully nevermind the working till 1am with class at nine, ***IDEALIZED ANASTOMOSIS*** LIFE RULES) and after class trevor and i clasped hands and skipped our way to the dining hall. we were happy because of amazing seed-insides and conclusive discussions (we built things up!!). and we glee-d at the tutor with the triangular grey hair and she beamed backed at us and went: "happy johnnies!" yes.

seminar that night was odd. it was objectively good, because we built up something, but i felt weird because i missed most of it... for an hour and forty minutes they had a great discussion about death, and fear of death - is it possible to lead a good (philosophical/ in general) life if you fear death? i don't know how to move into this question. i mean, i could probably parse it, analyse and move through it, but it wouldn't be what i genuinely feel.. i don't know how to answer this question because i guess fear of death is completely not a worry for me. like i wouldn't like to leave people, i love living and i love life but it's like, i'm happy but i wouldn't cling. i'm happy enough with what i have in life? and i don't have regrets i have not dealt with in some way or another. and it just doesn't interest me, but it was such an objectively great discussion and i wish i had interest (tho i am so glad i don't).

the last twenty minutes though, we went into a question i was interested in: what does plato think of love/ friendship as an eternal thing? he compares love of wisdom with love of base pleasures and completely leaves the spirited part out.. where did that go, and does that have anything to do with socrates asking his wife to leave when his comrades came? how can the soul be unchanging if there are different parts ruling, if the soul can forget? i got all my questions out and we tossed them around ofr five seconds and mr b told me after that perhaps i should look at the soul in here as the purely rational part, in some aspects. the reason why these questions are so pertinent to me: socrates loved life and truth, both. he was happy. but in this he seems to ignore a very fundamental aspect of his being. even if he discounts "base" bodily pleasures, friendship, love, are those base pleasures? he leaves those out of his account and makes it either all. i also don't think a purely rational life is a good human life for so many reasons.

and then i came out of class and talked to people and viewed amazing artwork at the gallery and argued/discussed/argued/discussed with h for over two hours i believe and sometimes i feel very strongly: this is no fun at all. we're not building anything up. but i guess this kind of conversation is different, we're pushing at the most basic of our beliefs and trying to hard to consider other valid ways of living. this is very personal. he keeps inadvertently insulting and offending (not only on behalf of myself) me: i'm living in "blissful ignorance", most people in the world who are happy are a "lower form of happy" (true happiness he says requires all six parts of the soul to be satisfied(?) including "a relationship with god"), and i guess i think two things, either-or: since i am a case study of the general things he's talking about, either (1) he's ignoring me, a very obvious, present case study, and making unjust claims, or (2) he's including me and really, really just not giving me enough charity. i guess i find most views of the world valid ways for people to live life, and i believe that there are many different happinesses to be attained, and i don't think badly of other people. he says that he has problems being honest if i get emotional about it because he doesn't want me to take it personally, he doesn't want to insult me. i asked him then if he realized that just by saying that, it meant that he was thinking insulting (this isn't a good word) things about me (i am a particular case). i don't know. i learn a lot about things in general and i guess in a way i learn how to argue better (i argue best when i believe something to be true! no surprises there) and it's so tiring. i'm glad we talk, though.

principle of charity KINDNESS principle of charity KINDNESS good lives!!!!


++

do any of you ever feel like you want to be friends with specific people whom you currently aren't friends with? it's a really odd feeling. i don't know if it's like that usually but for me it's like being sad over nothing. i get sad over loss of potential opportunities - and since potential things aren't yet in existence, it's like being sad over nothing. there is nothing to be sad over! i keep telling myself. on the other hand the sadness and the regret is real. solution: we should all talk to people whom we're interested in getting to be friends with. what's the worst that can happen? the person might stare at you oddly or be all: "is he/she trying to hit on me?" but it won't last. you'll either never see the other person again - and then it won't matter - or you'll become friends, and the person will be corrected of misconceptions? and that's what i'm trying to keep in mind. i like people, i am so curious about who people are in general and some particular people in specific and i'm trying to not do the entire: let me avoid them and view their lives from a distance and hope they notice me because that's so stupid and most of all it won't work i say from great experience.

s is helping me distinguish between a crush and liking! a crush is [quote] usually on people I don't actually really know, so I feel that what I feel is more of an intense curiosity towards what I think I see in them? so part of the motivation of wanting to get close to them is wanting to know them, wanting to fulfill that potential. whereas a 'like' sort of like takes place for me for people I already know [/quote].

-

ella: The ideas, then, are the justification of the philosophic life. If there are no permanent entities, if everything is in flux, there can be no knowledge. Knowledge, or science, requires universals to which the particulars are imperfect examples; as knowing beings we care only for the universals.

i think, coupled with my pledge, it helps that i'm in a very interactive mood. like i want to talk to people and talk to people and make better friends with people i know. that is a very interesting mood to be in, and it's not something always satisfiable but carpe diem i want to grab it now that it's here and use it, and then when next i'm all isolationist and moody i can migrate to my room with my books or the grass outside or city dock!!! and use my time doing what i want with as much love as possible.

today: i emailed my brother (happy birthday) and i need to mail him way more and i hung around the room till lunch attempting to extract myself from the crush (successful to a certain extent) then lunch .. where i talked to people and found the perfect banana and was happy. and after lunch i sat outside at the quad with phil and campbell, and other people came, and i was comfortable and i did math and read and people helped me with ratios. and it's so interesting hanging around with people i barely know. and people and people and perfect bananas and front and back campus and anna karenina and things are getting better in a way. i want to see people and talk to people. it is odd. i should do work. chloe says that she'll help me with my chinese translating! in a way i am very relieved. i am really quite not very enthusiastic about the present readings, maybe i will read them again and try to derive loveliness out of them i think that'll make things more worthwhile.

i don't like trying to find things to do. hm. in a way i want to always want.

i oscillate really really really terribly. today: i thought it was one of the happiest i could be in my life; life is open and i have close friends and i see new paths, i will make myself/ i am on my way to acquiring the ability to make new. and i have my school, of course i do, and i have my family and i most likely will be seeing them over christmas. i completely lack discordant notes in my life.

and an hour later i do things that i don't want to because i kind of agreed and i don't know, like it doesn't make anyone happy when i do things that i don't want to and that don't have a right or wrong element to them so i'm not entirely certain what i could have done. there are friends of mine congregating in the room next door and i lie in my bed reading anna karenina (which is actually making me start to dislike it because the characters are so annoying. the main character's so pretentious, and tolstoy's letting us see a bit of what's underneath that and lenin's not someone i admire and he makes me want to cringe and move away, and that is not good fodder for good reading of a story. and anna's husband really annoys me. as does anna. war and peace was so much more.. noble in some ways i wish i had it here) and i fall asleep and wake and eat pizza and then i borrow a phone and call shu, and walk and walk and talk and after she is tired i go to dres and talk with her and life is decent even though i have a crush on someone it is so annoying i really appreciated the month and a half without. it's small and i'm going to handle it properly though i think things will be okay (the advice given: get drunk and make out!! is not going to work) i will find decent ways ha ha.

i might be going back over christmas!!!!!! oh my god people oh my god people bon i want to visit your school and people i want to meet up with you in general and i miss teren. a lot. is anyone else going back over christmas???

people with As: best of luck! (though of course you don't need my well-wishes)

.... things are very good i am settling down and learning how to rework my life with these ideas. now i'm hyperconscious of any references to things that link to anything in the republic, like i want to gain as complete an understanding of the republic as i can and that means not just looking at the text or commentaries (though of course those help) but i want to pull my life through it. i want to use experiences, other ideas, other fields to see the republic, to evaluate its ideas.. my greek tutor said, when i was asking her about aristotle: these ideas may not be literally true. but they are very powerful ideas. and they are, they are, and i will learn as much as there is to know about them and then i will harmonize them into my life.

threw a football today and hurt my finger. did my lab reading. went to lecture and q&a. argued with h. went to 49west with people. talked to z about the republic: he said that plato thought that people were always stable - which is not true. i need to define the term stable properly but this is a good way to look at things (anything that hauls me away from the chasm is a good way of looking at things). plato's republic is also the only kind of societal system where people don't have choice. their only choice is what's best for them (incidentally it also makes them happy). and this may be good, this may be bad, i don't know.. but it's a good thing to wonder as i read plato. it'll stop me from getting too infatuated, because he's basically so beautiful. the coherence of the structure that's all supported by a premise that our world doesn't hold? travesty. ... is this the closest i've come to heartbreak, i think it might be, i've experienced other emotions before but not like this. it's nowhere near the deepest emotion i've felt, but it is the deepest emotion i've felt over something rational, over the loss of something perfect i guess.

my first thoughts today:
1. wake up
2. it's a lovely day
3. and justice isn't real